


The Wrong Way to Deal with Grief

by bang-the-smoke (708_things)



Series: Bandom Oneshots [10]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mourning, Sadness, a little bit of smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 10:36:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21618442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/708_things/pseuds/bang-the-smoke
Summary: Brendon wanted a distraction from Ryan, his deceased boyfriend. But he makes a dangerous decision.
Relationships: Brendon Urie/Dallon Weekes, Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie (past)
Series: Bandom Oneshots [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1556635
Kudos: 9





	The Wrong Way to Deal with Grief

**Author's Note:**

> bruh brendon really be out here making the wrong decisions  
published: December 2018  
cross-posted on wattpad under bang-the-smoke

_"He overdosed."_

The news hit him like a punch to the face. Instantly, he felt his world crumble, his soul mourning for his other half. His death hit him worse than anything ever had.

He couldn't sleep at night without remembering him. He would remember the way he made him feel, the way he cared for him. He would remember the way his brown eyes shined and the way his lips moved to form syllables that constructed the right words. He remembered his smile, and how infectious it was. He remembered his humor and his laughter; his laughter was as musical as his words. He remembered _him._

It shocked Brendon that he seemed to be the only one effected after weeks stretched on. The others mourned Ryan and moved on, but Brendon just couldn't. He couldn't move on like Ryan was only a small part of his life. Ryan encompassed all of it. How does one get over the death of a lover, anyway?

Often, he found himself tempted to drown his sorrow out with drugs or alcohol. It had seemed appealing, because it promised forgetting everything, even just for a while. But did he even want to forget? It was cruel to imagine what life would've been like if he never met Ryan Ross, if he had never been charmed by him.

But it would just be downright disgraceful to go down that road, because that's how Ryan lost it all. Ryan never liked to acknowledge his own mortality; he played with death everytime he took too many pills, and Brendon's careful surveillance of his health hadn't been enough. Yes, he was there, but never enough. He wasn't enough to keep Ryan away from those impulses and the drugs.

Drugs were promising, but Brendon would never allow himself to try them. Instead, he tried to move on slowly. He knew rushing the process would fail, but slow acceptance would eventually lead to him living without being haunted and held down by the memory of his deceased lover.

Friends aren't part of the equation. They treat him like porcelain, like he'll break down if they even so much as mention him. They are not relevant to him moving on.

And yet, one of them is. He doesn't treat him like a little kid, and he doesn't change the way he acts because of what happened. Brendon appreciated that more than he could ever know.

Brendon decided to hang out with him more, because isolation isn't a good thing. Isolation makes him feel worse, and Dallon can make him feel better. Dallon is surprised by his willingness to hang out so often. It eventually comes to the point where they are hanging out after school at least every other day.

He's caught gazing often, and his touches linger on Brendon's skin. His words are less guarded, and he makes it known. Maybe not directly, but Brendon's not a fool when it comes to reading the signs of attraction. Sometimes, Brendon saw himself in him when he caught Dallon looking at him with those fond eyes. It reminded him of the way he stared at Ryan. Dallon reminded him of Ryan in so many ways, and it became a comfort.

The next thing he knew, he was pushing Dallon up against the wall and reaching up to kiss him. It was like an automatic response to the tension that was building up between them. Dallon quickly reciprocated, one of his hands grasping at his hair. The kiss was tender and warm.

Dallon pulled away first, pushing him back slightly to look at him. Brendon knew he looked a mess; his hair was a ruffled mess, his breathing was off, and even his heart was thudding faster. Dallon's cool gaze on him intimidated him, in a way. "I didn't think you felt that way," Dallon said, after a moment's pause.

"I didn't really know either," Brendon muttered quietly, and he didn't know if he felt anything. Was there something between them that had grown throughout these past few weeks? Was Dallon alone in his attraction, or had Brendon just been blind to it?

Dallon laughed, leaning down to press his forehead against Brendon's. He smiled as he looked him in the eyes. "Love does that to you," he said. "Catches you by surprise. Love finds you, as they say."

There was something about him that reminded him of Ryan, and yet, also something that was just him, just Dallon. The kiss had made him forget, made him focus on what was in front of him rather than what was in the past. It felt good to be relieved of such a burden.

Brendon pulled him into another kiss, closing his eyes as he focused on the feeling. Yes, it was a good distraction... It wouldn't hurt at all.

Things started to heat up as time passed by, and before he knew it, they ended up losing their clothes. They ended up on Dallon's bed, fitting together like two puzzle pieces. Dallon takes care of him, makes sure he is feeling okay through every moment of it. So familiar...

It's distracting, but Dallon made the situation hard to ignore. He was too sentimental, pressing kisses down his chest and neck, muttering words on love and encouragement. It was hard to focus on just the sex when he kept making it so emotional.

Brendon only realized his mistake when the words "I love you" fell from Dallon's lips. The words are passionate, filled with love as he finishes inside Brendon. And Brendon is horrified with himself.

Because he does not love Dallon, not completely. He loves the part of him that reminds him of someone else. But not him.

Brendon tensed up, as Dallon pulled out and flopped down onto the mattress. "I love you too," he echoed, and he flinched at how hollow he sounded. Compared to Dallon, he made it sound so void of emotion. There was nothing passionate in his tone, nothing that was really convincing. Nothing that really made it obvious he was genuine.

Because he wasn't.

Dallon didn't seem put off by this. He scooted closer to Brendon, wrapping his arms around him. This time, it filled Brendon with a sensation similar to dread. He felt suffocated by him, and the feelings Dallon had towards him.

As Dallon slowly fell asleep beside him, Brendon's mind was racing. Sex had been a good distraction, had been a good substitute, but it was a dangerous game when feelings were involved.

It was wrong to make Dallon feel like his affections were returned, when he was so clearly hung up on Ryan. But he didn't want to be alone, didn't want to face the darkness alone.

Brendon swallowed his disgust with himself, and fell asleep too.

In the morning, Dallon was smiling at him as soon as he woke up. His blue eyes were lit up with joy. "I love you," he repeated.

"I love you too," he lied, and felt the worse because of it.


End file.
